Smile and tears

Dear God,I hope and pray that Jessica leads a happy life and may her succeed on her study.Jessica is not only my teacher but also my friend.I was a sensitive and fragile girl once upon a time，and I always feel inferior.But Jessica told me that I can got the first place.It was her encouragement that brought me my study tiptop which left me a best memory wealth as well.Jessica is always wearing a smile on her face,she has a witty and quick tongue too.I’d like to talk with her,although I was made fun of.She taught me only for a year,which maybe is the happiest time in my life,because I began to love smile.“I’m a junior now.”I spoke to myself at the beginning of the new semester.But I was not sure I had prepared myself to receive the grant hellish ceremony,that is Jessica’s departure,she has gone to our capital for further study. I failed to keep in touch with her. I haven’t made any friends indeed except her,now I lost a precious friend and it was an extremly sadness for me.I still remember the first noble truth of Buddhism is that life is inevitable full of sorrow. The other day, another sad information attacked me that I failed in my TEM4. It just came to my mind at the interval of a French lesson, I sat among a group of sincere and earnest faces,frozen. I almost forgot where I am and it just like I was hit by a wood stick on my head,and my head also became woody, just left two fingers wriggling two hairs in a automatic way.The hair was just pulled out from my own head a few minutes ago,and became kinky in my hand now.It was not until all the people around me disappeared that I awoke to break into tears.But soon Jessica’s smile occupied my mind.Dear God,I stood in darkness,talking to you that night.------This is your another test to challenge me,I know about that,But you know what,Jessica had promised me a dinner if I successed in TEM8.So it is not the terminal,you just remind me that I was not diligent enough and there was many things I can do.You may think that I will be defeated by it and I broke your wiles.God,I can not help laughing at you.I began to love study ,I never had this sort of attitude toward it before.When I am absorbed in study,I reckon it enjoyment.Meantime I learned to defend myself against what is hard, I also learn to defend myself against what is soft.i turned indifferent and lofty except toward study.I almost looked down upon anything and anybody,just as I am a unique giant who has perfect thinking.Recently the wind of schilarship and stipend seemed have influened everybody.I helped my roommate type the application letter.She is tender and kind and she is one of my best friends.But while I read her miserable life on the paper,I had no feeling.Maybe you never know about it until you really stand in it. While I was typing without any facial expression,another roommate asked me for help. I can not stand up with so much typework”I refused,almost without any hesitation.Then she walked away,the door slammed,I can clearly heard her fully complaining about me in nearby domitory.My face turned red right away but still insisted that I have right to refuse to do such a thing,expecially when I am not interested in it,and it is a waste of time.I have to say it was a meeting I never had before.It seemed as if a dark ablution for my spirit.There are so many people suffering from poverty and hardship,they are around me everyday,bur I can see their sweet smiles everyday.Darkness outside loomed us inch by inch,the light inside is shinning and bright.For the first time,I heard my peers talking about their family,saying,laughing and crying.For the first time,I knew that home is a harber and also is a scar deep in heart.For the first time,I got that life can be so gloomy and so happy at the same time.Dear god ,I can not help breaking into tears this time.Considering my coldness toward my own family and friends,I lowed my head ,chin on my chest and tears drop off on my booklet.I hate myself,especially when I received a message from my roommate.”my dear sister,I regret that I have lost my temper on you”she begged my forgiveness.You finally make me cry dear god,but you know what,I cry for I am so happy I live amid such a lovely group of people.